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‘My’ best jokes.

Apr 24, 2012 by     No Comments    Posted under: Writing

Jimmy White was at a restaurant & didn’t even leave a tip.

Jimmy White has a good high cue.

They have found confirmation that remains of Richard the III were found in Leicester along with jokes that Iain Lee uses.

My tablets make me lethargic but I cant be bothered to do anything about it.

I was at the petrol station and asked for a 50 pence piece so that I could get some air & the assistant said, go outside.

I walked into a car accessory shop & asked, have you got any foot pumps ? & the shop assistant said try Clarks next door.

I once fell through a trap door. Its a stage I’m going through.

I was going to be an electrician but the wages were shocking.

My mates a plumber who’s feeling the pinch at the moment. I thought I’d give him a plug.

A bloke has been caught stealing snooker equipment. He is now under a rest.

I nearly met Clive Dunn in a public toilets. I knocked on the cubicle door & asked, are you Dunn ?

I see that Julian Clary & Graham Norton have set up a camp site.

Dr Pepper makes me hyper active if someone steals it from me.

Call me a prude but I don’t like to see too many butts in snooker on the telly.

Those riots in London were terrible. A McDonalds was broken into and a policeman had the shakes.

I had some Guinness today & had the galloping runs. That’s the last time I steal from that shop.

 

PEUGEOT FACTORY

I used to work on the production line at Peugeot. My jobs been on the line ever since.

I used to work on the wheels. I’ve kept a low profile ever since.

I used to fit headlamps. I liked that. It was a light job.

I used to fit tail pipes. It was exhausting.

At Peugeot I worked on the side windows but my mates used to keep winding me up.

I worked at fitting seat belts with some strapping young men.

I worked on the trim line. I’ve kept in trim ever since.

 

Miscellaneous  

I went into a pubs toilet and it was a dump.

I went into a pub & knocked everyone out, but I made sure that I bought em around afterwards.

My mate said that he has fleas, I replied I’ll be round in a tick.

I heard hymns on the bus today. It must have been a Sunday service.

I’m not saying that I’m unlucky but I phoned the Samaritans & they told me to hang on the line.

There’s more sleeping policemen in Coventry than there is in New Scotland Yard.

There were 10 thugs shouting at 3 O’clock this morning. I opened my window & said Do you know what time it is ? I’ve lost my clock.

I went to a shop in the Sahara desert. I asked for a map & they gave me a sheet of sandpaper.

I’m not saying my brothers tight but he gave me a pint of  Tetley tea.

I said to the waiter there’s a hair in my soup & he replied has it got bright eyes ?

I love where I live at the moment, its on a junction. so, hard for the bailiffs.

Did you hear about the bloke from Birmingham who has 4 girlfriends – April May June & July.

I wear incontinence pants. If this leaks I’m in trouble.

I’m not to be toyed with. I’ll have you know that I’m an expert in origami.  I can give you a very nasty paper cut.

I’ve got a computer in my car. It crashed.

I’m terrible for getting crumbs in bed. I drop my trousers & my girlfriend says crumbs.

Lady Ga Ga was dancing on my computer. I said get off you’ll damage the keypad.

One person I’d invite to my party is Frank Bruno but I would only give him 2 punches.

Lady Ga Ga had 5 costume changes last night. That reminds me I must get a job as a curtain caller.

I’m not saying my girlfriends ugly but I took her to the plastic surgeon & he said the vets are next door.

I’ve got a P.C. at home. I do wish he wouldn’t keep dropping his trousers.

I’m working on a song called ‘Its Over Flow’. I’ve got to get it out of my cistern.

Why do I always shudder when I’m having a pee ? Perhaps its because I never know if  Boy George is standing there.

I ordered my shopping from Morrison’s. When it arrived it was less one item. Never trust a short Van Morrison.

I once worked at a fishmongers. My colleague got the sack. I was gutted.

I tripped in front of Andre Preview and lost my composer.

I’ve taken to comfort drinking but bubbles keep coming out of my nose.

I’m not saying my bedsit is small but the Jehovah’s Witness’s posted the Awake magazine & it landed on my head in bed & it woke me up.

I caught my dentist lying through my teeth.

I went to the car accessory shop & said  Do you sell foot pumps ? & the assistant said  Try Clarks down the road.

I was going to be an electrician but the wages are shocking.

 

JOKERS WILD

I went into a pub & discovered that I only had 10 pence on me, so I pleaded for Murphy.

I see that Julian Clearway & Graham Naughton have set up a camp site.

I recon that the top lip is the most sensitive part of the body. Someone said that they cant stand my mustache. I was upset.

I think that Peter Andre is Priceless.

I accidentally swallowed a bottle of bleach. The doctors given me a clean bill of health.

I once stole a gold ring but gave it back as I felt guilty.

I love Iain Lee. We could have kids together but in separate cubical’s.

I remember once I played Samson. I pushed 2 pillars apart & bought the house down.

The day that I get tired of colour’s  will be the day I dye.

H.P. are losing profits according to sauces.

I woke up this morning feeling negative. That’s the last time that I go to bed with a battery of women.

Is it just me who likes the simple things in life ? Baked beans with pork sausages on toast made by Heinz. I wont have it cooked by any other man.

I was in a film playing Samson but I was fired because I fell asleep as soon as my head touched the pillar.

I’ve been had. I bought a second hand laptop from some geezer. He told me that the wallpaper was a snowman in the snow.

I donated an organ to my local hospital. They play ‘Mull Of Kintyre’ on it in the theater.

I’ve a massive ego but I’m not proud of it.

The best film in the world is E.T.. Its about Elsie Tanner. If you argue with me I’ll make you cry in the end.

Those cleaning sponges are hard to find. I’ve been scouring the country for them.

I’ve invented the transparent coffin. Will it be successful ? Remains to be seen.

Why do you always sweat when you come out of the bath ? Perhaps its because the next door neighbour is looking through the window.

Have you seen the air dance with Michael Flatulence ?

I’ve made some sexy music. It’s a C.D. business.

I was going to tell a joke about a tailor because I’m running out of material.

A policeman read the weather the other day. He said- a low a low a low a low.

I got up at 7 O’clock tonight & just knew that it was going to be one of those days.

I’m writing an autobiography on my favorite subject.

I went to bed last night a boy & woke up a man – He didn’t mind.

I saw a building firm today that specialize in decking. The brutes.

They’re  building houses on our local allotments. I think my brothers losing the plot.

I’ve got hit men to do my spouse in. That’s right – I’m wishing my wife away.

Did you hear about Stephen Fry. He did a runner & jumped on a huge lorry.

I had battered sausage today. I made it all by myself – to the chip shop.

I got the electrician round to fix my intercom.  He refused to speak to me.

I called out an electrician. he was power crazy. He called me a lazy current. So I got him charged.

I always think that its unlucky if a fox crosses my path. Especially if its in my bedroom.

I’m not saying that my local curry house owner is tight but when I complimented about the Madras, he said I was hoping you’d bring that up.

I used to work in a clock factory but found it hard to wind down.

I sound a bit like Tom Jones. O.K. Aled Jones. Have it your way.

I saw a road sign today. It said ‘Road surface wet tar !  They didn’t need to thank me.

I’ve written a book about baths. A few people have plumbed for it & I thought I’d give it a plug.

When I was an electrician my boss said get a bus conductor, so I replied they don’t have them anymore !

 

NONSENSE JOKES

People have said that my jokes are an in salt to intelligence & that they are peppered with faults. Thanks for the condiments, ketchup soon.

I was bought up to sometimes go into hibernation. My mother taught oise well.

I need support for me back. Anything upwards of £10 will be greatly appreciated.

I was going to block pave my garden but I haven’t the drive.

I’ve just spent the weekend in Royal Leamingtons Spar. Its such a big supermarket that I couldn’t find my way out.

I was going to run a bank but I abandoned it due to lack of interest.

I’ve invented the baby bus seat. I have been sitting on this for quite a while.

I’ve just walked out of a Fish & Chip shop without paying. The proprietor said  You scampi & I replied It should have been C.O.D. know your plaice.

I’ve  invented a bendi Huge Lorry. Stephen Fry’s showing more than a passing interest.

In a garage a jack collapsed on me. I think he had a heart attack.

I was selling soup illegally to tramps. A policeman said  Irish stew in the name of the law.

I took my laptop into a psychiatric hospital & they said they’d never seen such a bad case.

Some thief has stolen all of my Brut & Lynx. I never had any scents in the first place.

I was on a ship & felt seasick. I said to the barman, Have you got any Port ?

I saw the headline – Tigers to increase the population. He doesn’t learn.

I saw an auto bank that said  ‘Free Cash Machine’. It took me 7 hours to chisel it out.

I’ve realized that on computer games the second you panic you’ve lost.  Anyway that’s enough about my Farmvile exploits.

My mate says that milk is good for the calves. So I poured some on my legs.

My doctor said that I needed a jab so he sent me to the local boxing club.

I’m thinking of starting up a muscle building fitness club. I haven’t much money so there will be a long weight.

I was going to become a plumber but everyone calls me a drip as it is.

Anyone who says that Shakespeare didn’t produce his own work should be barred.

I played the violin to Bach & had to be excused, as it was the first movement.

If you don’t like cats you don’t like life. Have you seen Rosemary Ford ?

The other day a T.V detector man came to my home. I flicked the V’s at him and he gave me a better signal.

 

MY CAR JOKES

I heard that rioters were nearby & was worried that I wouldn’t get my car to them in time.

The car that I’ve got has had more breakdowns than a psychiatric hospital.

I’m not saying my cars old but it has a crank at the front. When I get it serviced they keep winding me up.

I hate it when I have to run across the road. Bloody M6.

I’m selling my car. I’ll be sorry to see it go. It’ll be the first time since I’ve had it.

I’m going to open the worlds first electric car battery station. I wont charge much, it’ll be a flat rate.

That’s restored my faith in human nature. A kid snapped the window wiper off my car & straight away his dad put a car repair business card on the other wiper.

I recently went to get my car fixed. Afterwards I complained to the mechanic that the handbrake was held on. He replied your stuck with it. I said O.K. governor.

 

SILLY JOKES

I used to be a mail man but got the sack for leaving my post.

curries don’t  agree with me. Its their attitude.

I walked into my local Chinese take away. I said 24. She replied you cheeky bastard I’m only 15.

The shortest job I’ve ever had is at a shampoo factory. The manager said wash and go.

Thieves are stealing bucket squabs from my local pubs garden. I can see the headlines now – Peter Cushion.

I think that it should be against the law to serve customers whilst on the phone. Anyhow that’s enough about orange.

There’s been a lot of flashing round here. People are dropping like  fly’s.

I spilled a whole bottle of Jack Daniels over my laptop computer. It said – Do what you want with me.

I was looking at Michaela Strachen in Google images & whenever I looked at a picture it went back to the top ! I want to go straight to the bottom.

When I was at Myton High School I had the cane twice. I got full marks.

I tend to have a girlfriend for a short period of time then discard them. I was on the Clifton Suspension Bridge when the Penny dropped.

I know a chap who makes fireplaces. He says its a grate job.

They are thinking of making a film about Noah’s Ark in Birmingham called Ark At Him.

I used to be a window cleaner but I had too many streaks.

I’m not saying Liverpudlians are hard but Cilla Slack is considering bringing out a single called ‘Step Outside Love’.

I was going to sell flags for The Queens Diamond Jubilee but I have no standards.

I’ve learnt to put a seal on every envelope. The hard part is clubbing them.

I have panic attacks in shop ques. It was O.K. the other day though. Anthony Worell Thompson was the only one in front.

At my local supermarket if they think your a bit dim they’ll bag for you. It saves me a job.

 

MY GENERAL JOKES

I’ve made a few friends in Leamington Spa…boarder guards, benefit fraud, the police, T.V. detector man & the bailiffs.

Ronnie Corbette went to the butchers but the steaks were too high.

I’m selling my house & got Ronnie Corbette to pose for the lounge photo.

I put a bet on with my local bookmakers that the world would end on 27th of May 2012. They seemed keen that I have their number on speed dial.

I often bet on the Greyhounds. They always come in second – to last.

I’ve got a girlfriend but shes wearing me out. Her names Anna Gain.

Breast implants should only be administered when its essential. I had to get that off my chest.

I was walking past a pub in Bristol & a man said, do you want to see my tractor ? I kept walking, never trust a cider man.

I woke up recently because a cat was licking my face. I always knew it was a bad idea to live next to a zoo.

I’m addicted to tanning. Some women don’t approve.

McDonald’s  should set up a drive thu at golf courses. People always drive through when I’m playing.

I own a golf club. I think its a 9 iron.

I had a bounty on my head once. Unfortunately it melted in the heat.

I ate 2 crackers in a bed once. Davina McCalled & Anthea Turnon.

I went to a conference meeting about our local swimming baths but I was out of my depth.

If at 50 you start to lose your mind. What happens when you reach 100 M.P.H. !

I went to my local Honda dealer on my own Accord.

I’ve noticed some good phone company slogans. I have a good one for Orange “Talk is cheap up yours”.

I’m thinking of getting an allotment. I’m used to soiled beds.

It was raining today, so I ran into an off-licence. Any port in a storm.

Noses run in our family. I wish I could pick another.

Wetherspoon’s do a meat meal deal on a Wednesday but I keep forgetting about it. We all make missed steaks.

I’ve just been to a pub with 4 arsonists. We got on like a house on fire.

I once covered myself up in bubble wrap & said to my girlfriend, I’ll be there in a jiffy.

A chap went skydiving and his parachute didn’t open. Luckily he landed on Peat. He wasn’t too pleased.

I used to work for the R.A.C. but I kept having too many breakdowns.

 

MY EX-WIFE JOKES

My ex-wife’s favorite song is Stand By Your Man.

My ex-wife’s got a face like a trout. I must drop her a line.

I must look like James  Bond. Because my ex-wife used to say Roger More.

I still get on with my ex. I offered her to lunch at my place. I promised her something fowl.

I approached a film company with a factual script about my ex-wife called ‘The Ex Men’ & they said it was too far fetched.

My ex-wife was visibly shaken when a Parcel Force lorry narrowly missed killing her. They never get there on time.

I dug out a pond. My ex-wife thought that I was going to kill & bury her. I pushed her over the edge.

Have you ever seen an actor look squarely into a camera ? I have, my ex-wife on our wedding day.

My ex-wife invented the Flying Saucer.

I used to think that my ex-wife was a footballer, she used to play at home and away so much.

 

MISCELLANEOUS 2

I recon that all public toilet cubical’s will have to have air extractors by law but don’t hold your breath.

I nearly lost my job because I lost control of my bowels but they swept it under the carpet.

I was at a fishing tackle shop the other day. It took 3 hours to get served. I waited with baited breath.

I was going to be a fork lift driver but it wouldn’t suit my pallet.

I’ve just had all of my wisdom teeth taken out. Never again.

I have been feeling negative all day. I’m positive about that.

Smart phones are so sophisticated nowadays. I went to take a picture of my girlfriend & it said “Get lost”.

I got chased out of a zoo by a tiger the other day. I knew that I shouldn’t have used Lynx Attract.

I recently visited my dentist. He said that’s the dirtiest film I’ve seen in a long time.

A new film is being made about everyone being alcoholics. Its going to be called Planet Of  The Grapes.

I think that we should save Greece. Especially duck drippings.

I’m not saying that I’m unlucky but I prayed for a ford and my street got flooded.

I put some anti ageing cream on then found out it was out of date.

When I was rich my butler was so thick that whenever I asked him to get the rolls out, he’d bring me some baguettes.

In London you never know what your going to run into. They should put up more dog fowling warnings.

I’ve invented a plane with stairs inside, complete with landing lights.

Does Sir Richard Branson get his ideas from a higher plane ?

I said to my Doctor have you got something to aid my sleep ? & he handed me a Ralph McTell C.D..

I’ve just bought my niece a Zenyata Mondata C.D.. You cant beat a police presents.

I was going to a restaurant that Jordan frequents but its too Pricey.

Lately I have been bumping into famous people like Adam Woodyat. I offered my hand to Noel Edmund’s but it was a mirror.

Someone raided a health shop in Tottenham. I predict a diet.

I may watch the Hunchback Of  Notre Dam. It rings a bell.

I was watching The Bank Job but I cant get into it.

People who attend the gym are nutcases – unless they’re bodybuilders.

I’ve just been to church. The vicar said to me, whats so religious about you ? I said I’m a cross dresser.

I nearly got ran over by a Mothercare lorry. He gave me a bib.

I got heavily in debt and my cake shop went bust. When its scone its scone.

The bakers were so expensive that when my fiance saw the price of the wedding cake, it reduced her two tiers.

I went to a fitness club for the first time but I couldn’t open the door.

I went to a dating agency called Swan but they couldn’t find any matches.

I’m trying to find a nursing home. I said to my mate, how can I make myself look older ? He replied go as you are.

My mate has a girlfriend who eats 5 jars of honey a day. I advised him to leave her bee.

My girlfriend bought me some socks. She knows I’m getting cold feet.

I’m not saying that I have a bad reputation at the Nationwide building society but my nickname there is Tigger.

I’ve invented airtight underpants. Business is ballooning.

Jordan went to a cut Price hairdressers.

There’s a book called My Last Day by Sue Side.

A book is being released called ‘Get Out of My Country’ by Ray Cist.

Apparently a lot of breast implant company’s have gone bust.

I’m a loaner. How much do you want to borrow ?

I use a communal shower. I have found a lot of public hairs.

My local fish & chip shop owner is way too generous. I said to him, you cant serve 2 cods.

I slipped over on my way home from buying bread & lost my pride.

I’m not saying that its cold but I have a computerized fridge & when I opened the door it said are you insane ?

Its so cold out there, I saw a bobby on ice skates. There’s nothing worse than a policeman robbing cousins.

A man in the street was giving out Specksavers leaflets. I said no thanks, I cant see to read that.

Someone threw a custard pie at me. I didn’t lose my temper, I walked it off.

I became a photographer at 30 years of age. I’m a slow developer.

Someone advised me to be in Grease, so I got a job in a chippie.

A mate of mine bought a yacht 2 years ago & is well pleased with the aft er sails service.

I’m very generous. I’ll tell you that for nothing.

I’m very disillusioned with life. Ever since my parents took me to see Blue Peter & we ended up at Stringfellow’s.

I once told a farmer how to spell received. He replied ei ei oh.

I’m waiting for the sun to come out. Our newsagents are useless.

I may be getting an O.B.E. soon. One Bad Egg.

 

MY RECENT JOKES 

Just remember next time your feeling depressed, that your one out of millions of sperm to become a Homo Sapien & its a long hard battle. Wish I’d taken the tube.

I once went to The Lamb Inn in Burford but left because I couldn’t find the barr.

I’ve had plastic surgery done. I have these tight trousers on to show off my botox. I thought I’d Cher that with you.

I keep missing the first 15 minutes of  T.V. program’s recently ! I wouldn’t mind but I watch Lazy Town.

I auditioned for ‘One Direction’ & the agent pointed to the door.

I’m jealous of anyone with Friends. Have you seen the price of the D.V.D’s.

I’m not saying that I don’t know much about football but I thought a linesman organised the drugs.

There’s a golf buggy company that’s looking out for bad drivers.

North Korea have successfully launched a rocket made by standard fireworks.

The Titanic had more sinks than any other ship before it.

I haven’t brushed my teeth in 5 years. They’re  gap years.

I’ve invented an automatic hair cutter. Its a bit like a helmet. I have made the prototype.  Unfortunately its going to my head.

I accidentally spilled some dark rum over my computer & it said, your a winker.

Everything about me is cool. I’ve even got a hip flask.

My computer is more intelligent than I thought. Every time I try to play ‘The Rainbow Connection’ by the Muppet’s, it crashes.

I said to my tennis coach why have I no friends ?  He replied nobody likes a big head. You need to get out more.

I may enter Britain’s Got Talent but I’ll insist on being on just before the interval, so that I get a standing ovation.

I cant walk into a bar without being noticed. I think its the blood that gives it away.

I know an ophthalmologist who works in my sleep.

I was in a fruit shop & managed to get a woman on a date.

I joined a card school but I snapped out of it.

I used to play bridge until a train damn near killed me.

I’d hate to see my brothers on the Street. They’d make lousy actors.

There’s a dispute at a crisps factory. I’ve read that if it comes to the crunch there’ll be walkers.

My driving has become erratic recently but I’ve managed to kerb it.

 

LEON’S  SNOOKER ADVICE

Avoid a deep screw as much as possible.

Try to follow through a lot.

Nice and gently on the butt.

Take good care of your tip, the more rounded the better for screw shots.

FAIR JOKES

On ‘Come Dine With Me’ I like Dave Lamb with mint sauce & I especially like the birds……..custard.

My mate John that works in a morgue has a fixation with dead bodies. He states that things always look better in the mourning.

The other day I was walking with my brolly as if I was about to attack someone. Then I realized that I’d left it in the shop.

I have a pair of draws that wont open properly. Thank God for chastity belts.

I was in an Ikea lift for so long I made a stool.

My electrician keeps tripping.

I’m so popular that the Police have me on their car T.V’.s.

I’m so important that I got a Police escort the other day from a car dealership.

I auditioned for Big Brother…..celebrity.

I’ve learnt that at car boot sales that its not the done thing to go behind the counter…….and sell their stuff.

I joined a dating agency and they fixed me up with Alex Jones and when I got to the pub it was Aled Jones………bingo.

Presenters try to show a bit of leg when on the telly. Especially Alex Jones……oh sorry I’ve read that wrong: Aled Jones.

Jigsaw have got back together again.

My doctor said that there’s an asteroid coming. I said Does it show ?

There are only 3 types of torture: Mental torture, physical torture & what schools taught yer.

I’m on the Polices most wanted list. Keep me posted.

The secret to my success ? I keep my pants on……….after a run.

There’s a farm next to me. The kids are getting on my nerves.

Sometimes I wake up with strange Marks on my body. Mark Knopfler in particular.

There’s something that I really love about Cindy Crawford but I cant put my finger on it.

I’ve heard that Rick Parfitt &  Francis Rossi are to appear on ‘I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here’ as a trial.

RISQUE 

I tried to prove that I make the best condoms but it wouldn’t stand up in court.

I know someone that works at window dressing. Taking her knickers off is going a bit too far though.

I sometimes dress a manequin, I cant stand him.

I bought a set of David Beckham pants the other week, They are like apple catchers. I think he’s got a cheek.

Restraint is power. It would be nice if they left my arms free though.

I’m writing a Jane’s Blonde film called Eyeful.

I hear that Bob the builder was at the London Palladium. Apparently he bought the house down.

There are a lot of people blowing noses today. I’m giving up being a plastic surgeon.

I cant believe how easy internet banking is. I now need to learn how to thread the line through the hook.

I’m not saying that I want to take over the World, I just want a Korea.

I’m always staying in hospital, I am a very in-patient person.

The rats on the London underground always keep still when there are people about. I wish they would give up their seats for the elderly though.

Postmen have started looking through letterboxes. This needs addressing.

Paradise Earth began at 1 p.m. on Saturday the 29th of December 2012 & if you don’t believe me I’ll fight yer.

Later I’ll be advising you on the benefits of not planning.

I’m so angry at the moment that I could do a round with Tyson at my local golf course.

My brain has never been keener. I’ve worked out with Carol Vorderman.

2013 Jokes.

On come Dine With Me I like Dave Lamb with the mint sauce & I especially like birds……custard.

My mate John has a fixation of dead bodies. He says that things always look better in the mourning.

The other day I was walking with my brolly as if I was about to attack someone. Then I realized that I’d left it in the shop.

I’ve got a pair of draws that wont open. Thank God for chastity belts.

I was in an Ikea lift for so long that I made a stool.

My electrician keeps tripping.

I’m so important that I got a Police escort the other day……they was selling it cheap at the car dealers.

I’ve learnt that at car boot sales that its not the done thing to go behind the counter…..& sell their stuff.

I joined a dating agency and they fixed me up with Alex Jones and when I got to the pub it was Aled Jones, bingo.

Presenters try to show a bit of leg when they are on the telly. Especially Alex Jones…I mean Aled Jones.

Jigsaw have got back together again.

My Doctor said that there’s an asteroid coming , I said does it show ?

I said to my Doctor that I’ve got an ingrowing toe nail & he gave me a hammer.

There are only 3 types of torture, mental torture, physical torture and what schools taught yer.

I’m on the Polices most wanted list, keep me posted.

There’s a farm next door to me, the kids are getting on my nerves.

I woke up with a mark on my body, Knopfler.

There’s something that I like about Christine Bleakley but I cant put my finger on it.

I recently visited my local fish & chip shop & bought some fish & chips. I nearly had a heart attack, £6 !

I’ve heard that Francis Rossi & Rick Parfit are to appear on ‘I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here’ as a trial.

I had a female maths teacher that was to die for. I’ve always been good on figures.

I went to the plastic surgeon the other day, I said I’m just browsing.

 

I was forced to buy some jewellery at a shop the other day, they ran rings around me.

I went to my dentists in a terraced house but with a couple of gaps.

I often watch Daybreak on T.V. I don’t know why but whenever I play Bingo I always think of Kelly’s eye.

I asked a woman footballer at a pub if she would come to my home and show me her strip ?

I’ve been to the Crucible theater to watch the World snooker & Michaela Tabb is yet to score.

The paps are after me……..and the grandmas.

I’m an agoraphobic and I live next door to a job center but its quiet.

They’ve got some racey mares at supermarkets.

Whenever I go to a concert I want to look right up their skirts. That’s the last time I go to an Elton John performance.

I work at a sewage farm but one of these days my shi……..ship will come in.

I said to Paris Hilton that I’d like to get inside her knickers. She replied you’ll have a job.

I got some admiring glances today…..from the lady’s as well.

I swear if Holly Willoughby walked through my lounge with a tight dress on I wouldn’t notice……..the time.

I hate the sound of Crows……….voice.

I may be on the goggle box soon…….embarrassing Bodies.

Ronnie Corbett advised me to keep my jokes short.

Some people like 2 cars but I’m a 1 car.

 

I went to a punk rock music festival and the toilets were pretty vacant.

I used to donate to a sperm bank but the work dried up.

I’ve designed some clothes for Holly Willoughby but I think she can see right through me.

Famous quotes: “I’m paranoid” who said that ?

The Titanic film was made in 1997 . Its frightening.

Never trust anyone that  incessantly keeps yapping……I can talk.

My wife owns a cosmetics firm. We often break up & make up.

 

I’m good at making seats, so if I lose my job I’ll have something to fall back on.

Police are looking for a man that has had illegal sex acts. He is described as old with a grey beard & hair with thick rimmed glasses. They say the evidence is sketchy.

Never drink over a computer, they’re not worth it.

My mate used to work for a vehicle recovery service company until he had a breakdown.

It always makes me feel good feeding the birds……..at a night club.

I had a nightmare that I got eaten by a bare……woman.

Have you seen how brief the shorts are in athletics these days ! Paula Radcliff won by a close shave.

 

 

That’s it I’m spent for now….more later when I’m in the mood.

 

 

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